Staying positive

I was feeling very stressed and sad and overwhelmed today, even with my extra hour and a half of sleep and only a half day of sessions. The reality is sinking in that at this point, I'm just not a good teacher. At all. And really, I don't think it would be fair to expect that of myself. I've had ONE week of training. It was intense, but it's just not possible to be great in a week, or even average. The conflict is that I am actually in front of students. My lack of skills and knowledge is going to have a direct impact on how well they do and how much they're able to learn. That is an incredible amount of pressure and it's definitely a struggle to positively channel that pressure into working harder to improve when I am constantly feeling discouraged about how very unskilled I am.

So I took some time to be alone, bought a non-cafeteria lunch, and sat in a little park on campus. It's a few steps below street level, sheltered from the busy intersection by a subway station on one side and a brick wall on the other. I was alone for a few minutes before a couple of teenage boys, looking similar to the ones I am teaching, biked down the ramp into the park, whizzed past, and demonstrated why the tree grate had been jimmied up at an angle and propped with bricks. They sailed off the makeshift ramp on their bikes and headed back for another lap. This time, they noticed me watching them and smiling. And from then on, I could tell that each time one of them went by, he would check to make sure I was watching, concentrate very hard, and speed up. Their heads would turn just enough to see if I had seen another successful jump. After a few trips around, they started popping wheelies, always glancing to make sure their audience was still interested. They reminded me of five year olds, and made me think that maybe teaching high school isn't so different from teaching elementary. I think kids of all ages (and adults, too) want approval. They want to know that what they're doing is being recognized. Teenagers are just too cool to show it as often.